identity
by emberin
Summary: Even the confident have their moments of doubt. Post-GS41/43; very slight Athrun/Cagalli.


In the midst of being shoved onto the Kusanagi, losing her father, and being told that Kira – that strong, intelligent and yet always clueless-looking boy – was her brother, it hadn't quite occurred to Cagalli that she had a question of her own parentage until after she had talked about it.

She was aware of it now, and it haunted her thoughts incessantly. Who were her biological parents? Cagalli now knew that Uzumi Nara Athha hadn't been her father by blood; however, she also knew that it hadn't mattered to him, and that their years of memories together were proof that she was indeed his daughter. And while she loved him dearly and her new knowledge wouldn't change that, it left her absently twirling the photograph he had given, and her mind reeling as if it were hit with a pile of bricks.

"It looks like my brain isn't the only spinning hamster wheel around here," someone said, interrupting her thoughts.

Cagalli turned to see Athrun floating towards her.

"Well, I've got a lot on my mind, okay?" She stopped her fiddling hands and shoved the photograph back in her pocket.

"Yeah, I guess you would." His sigh didn't go unnoticed.

"Sounds like you're still thinking hard," she quipped in response. "I did say you should talk about it with people, you know?"

"Then you should take your own advice, too."

She fell silent at his answer, if only because she knew he was right. But although she really did want to talk about it with Kira, her… her brother had enough on his plate to deal with. Everyone had their own demons to battle, and it wasn't like her question was critical to their mission, or their vision, or –

"I'm still here," Athrun said.

"I – I know that! You're right in front of me, how wouldn't I know that?"

He sighed again, although this time it was with a smile on his lips. "I meant as in I'm here and you can talk to me. It's sound advice, after all."

Again, he had managed to force her into silence. She fidgeted and wished that she had something to fiddle with in her hands, other than the picture in her pocket. It's not like she didn't trust him – far from that; he had at this point most certainly gained her trust, as strange as the thought was. But something as critical as her very identity was in question, and talking about that to someone who she didn't know all that well seemed rather silly.

(Never mind that he had hugged her out of the blue.)

"I just wonder what it means, if Kira's my brother and I'm not really Father's child. Who does that make me? I know there's too little we know to tell, but…" Cagalli looked at the floor. She certainly wasn't a Coordinator. She didn't have any of their seemingly pristine features or incredible strength or mental capacity or anything like that. Even though she knew that she was still Cagalli Yula Athha, that Father was still her father no matter what, and that her duty was to Orb… she knew that, but it was still a question at the back of her mind.

When she looked back up, Athrun was staring at her.

"What?" she blurted.

"It's just so strange, to see you hesitating."

She could feel her face flushing. "And what would you know?"

"Because you were brazen enough to just go and find me after I had come back from getting shot by my own father, tell me off for not talking with everyone and then telling me I still had a chance and to stop hesitating, even after me talking about how powerless I felt." He paused for a moment before continuing. "I don't think you doubt that your father was your father, and that you are you, so how does it change what you're striving for?"

There was silence for a few moments. Then, he spoke again.

"... I don't think you're wrong to ask," he added. "But if it doesn't change any fundamental part of you, then dwelling on it is kind of useless."

"I know that!" Cagalli snapped back, before realizing her tone was a bit too harsh on someone who was just trying to help. "Sorry. But… you're right. I did know that all along. I guess I just needed to hear someone else say it."

He smiled. "… I didn't say it because you're a princess or anything like that. Your birth doesn't matter. Just do what you can."

Just as Athrun turned to leave, Cagalli reached out and grabbed the sleeve of his red coat, stopping him in space and tethering them together as she held a rail. It was more of an instinctive reaction than anything, and so she ended up being almost as surprised as him when he turned back to face her.

"I, uh…" She was turning red again. "Thanks. For listening. And talking with me."

"You did it for me, didn't you? Think of it as return in kind. I… never really did thank you for that last time. So thank you, Cagalli."

They floated there for a few moments longer before she realized she was still holding onto his sleeve, and she quickly let go. He smiled and left the room, leaving her alone (with slightly flushed cheeks) to figure out what she, Cagalli Yula Athha, could do to hold onto the values and ideals that Uzumi Nara Athha – the only person she would call Father – had left for her to uphold.

* * *

**A/N: **I don't really like how it started and I don't like how it ended, but I just needed to write it. I envision this happening not too long after the initial hamster-brain conversation; I can also see the potential for continuing this with a follow-up or two, placed a few years later, but I'm not going to promise anything, so it's a done work for now.


End file.
